A Thousand Times No

Certain residents of my household, no longer content with simply making cameo appearances in this web space, have stepped up their demands for public visibility. It’s Friday, to boot. Need I say more?

• Death by a Thousand Cutes
  Hardened veterans of the Kitten Wars, furious at being exploited and then abandoned by their erstwhile allies (read: us), decide to launch a guerrilla attack upon their former confederates. How else could you possibly explain the subversive and oddly opiate properties of LOLCats?

• Hello Kitty
  I still remember the first time I ever saw Hello Kitty merchandise. My sister and I were wandering in the aisles of Dayton’s, the much-beloved Minnesota department store, when we spied it: a small kiosk display rife with miniature stationery kits, tiny tsunamis of kawaii in bright primary colors. I was enraptured. Now, decades later, Hello Kitty has branched out into bling. For a mere $50,000, you too can say, “Hello Kitty, goodbye cash!” Can a Hello Ferrari really be far behind?

• The Ultimate Scratching Post
  This scratching post rises totemically from the ground, ascending nearly a full meter in height. Its creators at SmartCat boast that the product, decked in ribbed sisal, is “designed to maximize your cat’s scratching pleasure.” When the original scratching post in my house finally began to unravel, I succumbed to the lure of this product. Alpha Cat took to it instantly. Naturally, Cat the Second refused to set foot anywhere near it, seeking consolation in the seductive embrace of the nearest armchair instead.

• Drinkwell Pet Fountain
  The inventors of this device emphasize the benefits of providing your cat with a continually aerated stream of healthfully oxygenated water. (Animals that use their own tongues as toilet paper could make do with nothing less!) Yet you will find one of these gizmos in my house, sporting a reservoir with a honkin’ big O-ring. In my own defense, the temptation of refilling the water dish only once a week was to great to resist.

• Turducken Cat Food
  A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma…tucked in a chicken, encased in a duck, engulfed in a turkey. Proof that the apocalypse is nigh.

• Dyson DC 17 Animal
  How else was I to deal with the pockets of feline felt that were sprouting all over my house? The ones that ruthlessly stripped belt after belt off less stalwart models? Even after snagging a phenomenal deal on Craigslist, this was a huge splurge, but the turbine attachment allowed me to finally rescue a carpeted stairwell from complete Yeti-fication. Without fail, whenever I turn this sucker on, I always feel very, very dirty. (”Heh-heh, she said purple hoover.”)

• The Furminator
  Ounce for ounce, dollar for dollar, this wonder brush puts even the Dyson to shame. It’s easy to look at the low-budget videos and say to yourself, “They must be faking it,” but no, this little marvel performs exactly as advertised. The most addictive grooming tool ever.

Thank you for your continued interest. We sincerely hope these confessions aid in keeping you and yours in the pink.

Kind regards,

– The Boys (and Food Lady)

Pr0n Week 2007: Let’s Get Animal.